"Personally, were I Cowell, sitting in a studio with the massed evidence of how much more awful, loveless, cynical and threadbare I had made the world, I might, perhaps, leave in a rather sombre mood. Subsequently, I would drive my Aston Martin DB9 convertible out into the middle of a desert and turn my sat-nav off. There, euphoric with the nobility of my actions, I would die."
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