HAYDEN IS WANTED IN JAPAN - What Would Tyler Durden Do

An arrest warrant has been issued in Japan for that notorious criminal mastermind, the Red Skull of her generation, Hayden Panettiere.

The ruthless desperado is wanted for attempting to paddle a surfboard into a dolphin-hunting area.

The penalty is the harshest Japan can offer: she will never again be able to have sex with any tentacled creature, possibly excepting Leonardo Di Caprio.