Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"Here is some campaign excitement. Ralph Nader is running for president. I'm like you. I think this really could be Ralph's year." --David Letterman

"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman

"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman

"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno

"This is a big scandal. Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. Yeah, as a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in 'Big Momma's House 3.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Newark, New Jersey, Mayor Sharpe James arrived in court today for the first of two federal corruption trials. If found guilty, Sharpe James could get ten years in prison or 20 more years in Newark" --Conan O'Brien

"The source of Hillary's wrath, two mailers from the Obama campaign that she said misrepresented her positions on NAFTA and health care [on screen: HRC saying, 'Enough with the speeches and the big rallies and then using tactics that are right out of Karl Rove's playbook']. Enough with the speeches and the rallies and the winning and the beating me. Enough already. I've had it. I have Karl Rove's playbook right here [on screen: Stewart pulls out a book that when opened releases dead spirits]. --Jon Stewart

"It is a sad day for America. Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama is a terrorist [on screen: Obama in a traditional Somali dress]. This is the only possible explanation for him wearing this outfit unless he is a waiter at a Middle Eastern restaurant, or an extra in Disney's 'Aladdin On Ice,' or some teenagers teepeeed him. Terrible." --Stephen Colbert

"The Clinton folks put the blame where it belongs. Chief strategist Maggie Williams said -- quote -- 'If Barack Obama's campaign wants to suggest that a photo of him wearing traditional Somali clothing is divisive, they should be ashamed.' She is right, it's not divisive. In fact, it brings the nation together in the belief that Barack Obama is a terrorist." --Stephen Colbert

"What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That's the only one there." --Jay Leno

"He's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know who's thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He's not the oldest guy anymore." --Jay Leno

"It is getting nasty among the Democrats. I guess some Clinton staffers released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban during his trip to Africa in 2006. It was the local traditional clothing, but they hoped it would reflect badly on Barack. Show the picture [on screen: photo of Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress]. ... Well, in response, the Obama campaign leaked a photo of Hillary in her traditional garb. Did you see that? Can we show that photo? [on screen: picture of the Wicked Witch of the West]." --Jay Leno

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson