The Associated Press: Japan to tourists: Please don't lick the tuna

Japan to tourists: Please don't lick the tuna

This is apparently the Japanese equivalent of squeezing the Charmin.

"One of the more notorious recent cases was that of a tipsy British tourist — caught on tape by a Japanese TV crew — who licked the head of a frozen tuna and patted its gill."

A massive tuna, when not licked, can fetch as much as $100,000 in the morning auctions, but tourists just don't understand how much they affect things.

As a man who has kissed quite a bit of tuna in my life, I belive I can offer some insight. The tourists want to do it because they have seen so many Japanese people kissing tunas on their game shows. But the foreigners don't understand the cultural sensitivities. The people of Japan only consider tuna-kissing a proper thing to do if you are wearing a diaper and somebody is swatting you in the crotch with a cricket bat.

In that case it is MANDATORY to kiss the nearest tuna, according to their ancient customs, or your assailant gets another swat of the bat for free. This is why the Japanese fear the desert. They can be strolling through the Sahara in their diapers and BAM - a friend swats them in the nuts - and no tuna within a thousand miles. They can lose a lot of face.

And a lot of nuts.