Late Night Political Jokes Updated

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I'll turn into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable." --David Letterman

"Speaking of death panels, Dick Cheney said, 'Death panels! Count me in!'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'" --David Letterman

"And Cheney said that there was a point during the second term when George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman

"But it's his first week-long vacation that he's had since he became president, which is quite a contrast with George Bush. Because George Bush, during his eight years in office, he was on vacation a grand total of eight years." --Bill Maher

"You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel?" --David Letterman

"How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he's playing for the Minnesota Vikings, but he's getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel." --David Letterman

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman