Other Crap

50 Stand-up Jokes from the UK's ZOO

I hosted the mobile phone awards recently. All the networks were there. I came out and said, 'Thank you for the great reception. Apart from you, T-Mobile.'

I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I'll bet that's what the Queen calls her vagina.

Nurse uniforms have never done anything for me, because my mum's a nurse. I've got a younger sister, so that's the schoolgirl uniform out. And my dad's a French maid, so there's not a lot left.

The Jonas Brothers are a boyband who deliberately don't have sex with their fans. It's like Superman taking the train.

Gas is so expensive. I don't get it. Let me get this straight – we invade a country with oil, but gas costs more now? Now I didn't go to no fancy school, but I'll tell you this right now - if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.

I saw a homeless guy getting off the bus. I thought, "How does he know it's his stop?"

The Creationists - those right wing Christians - believe everything Genesis says. I don't even think that Phil Collins is a good drummer.

Most people that get plastic surgery are disappointed with the results - but they always look pleasantly surprised.