Other Crap

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." Craig Ferguson

"The peace prize was handed out in Oslo, Norway, but Oslo's been in news this week because of that big swirly thing in the sky over Oslo. Wait! Wait! Strange starlike object over Oslo, right before Obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men. Nah. No. Even MSNBC are going, 'Nah, you took it too far.'" Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, some people say that the light was a UFO coming to welcome Obama, which is of course ridiculous. Because if it was really a UFO, they would take Joe Biden back to his home planet. 'Come on, Joe, you've bothered these people long enough. Let's go and embarrass the people of Pluto."' Craig Ferguson

"It sure is cold. So cold that Osama bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale." David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. During his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech in Norway, Obama stated, 'Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.' Obama got those words from his new speechwriter, Ken Hallmark." Jimmy Fallon

"You know, a lot of people don't understand why President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, you know something? Look around you. Our factories, peaceful. I went to the mall this week, peaceful. They had an open house near my house, not one person came in. It's a peaceful economy here." Jay Leno

"Well, according to Time magazine, even though college degrees costs more today, they're worth less in the job market. This is hard to believe ... there's a job market?" Jay Leno

"Senate Democrats proposed a $1.1 trillion spending bill that will provide funding for government agencies, foreign aid, and local construction projects. And also, since it's so close to Christmas, a pony!" Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers." Conan O'Brien