Women - this is your one and only chance to read the truth

Violating the sacred guy code

It's a Sunday special. Women, this is your one and only chance to hear the truth about these matters. I am about to violate the sacred guy code and tell the truth about matters that normally require us to lie 100% of the time. But I will start lying again as soon as I finish typing this. Even if you ask me any questions about these statements, I will lie and say I was just kidding. But I'm not. Here's the reality:

If you think you might be too fat, you are. Don't ask. We will lie.

There are many times when we are not thinking about you. If you ask, however, we will lie.

Anything you wear is fine. We generally can't tell the fucking difference, so don't ask. When you do ask, whatever response we give is bullshit.

In the entire history of the human race, no sober heterosexual white man has ever liked to dance. Never. We do it to get laid. When asked about it, however, we will ALWAYS lie and say we like it, unless we are talking only to other guys or our sisters. The purpose of the lie is also to get laid. (We do many things to get laid.)

Of course we are looking at that other woman. If you ask about it, however, we will lie. If this bugs you, you can alleviate the problem by dating a gay guy, who will not look at any other women, except maybe Lady Gaga.

Yes, Angelina Jolie (or Megan Fox or whomever you are asking about) is prettier than you. A LOT prettier. She makes you look like a cross between Clint Howard and Pee Wee Herman.