The Top Ten Signs Your Candidate Is Not Gonna Win...
10. He's a member of "The Rent Is Too Damn Low" Party.
9. He just conceded to a fire hydrant.
8. He spent all his campaign funds playing Three Card Monty.
7. Whenever people ask him his qualifications, he just unzips his pants.
6. He launched a series of negative attack ads against himself.
5. Has been forced to deny that she's a witch, a communist or a Carrot Top fan.
4. His last stump speech took place on an actual stump.
3. What he calls "a motorcade" most people would call "a Big Wheel dragging tin cans behind it."
2. His campaign headquarters are located inside a Fotomat.
1. His motto: "No we can't."
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