Walnut Headbutting Record Cracked In Pakistan

Walnut Headbutting Record Cracked In Pakistan

Terrible news.

I implore all of our American walnut headbutters to train harder. We have long dreamed of this record and and it seems so close that we can hardly fail to grasp it. We cannot believe that it is already behind us, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic roll on under the night. Believe in yourselves. The record eludes us now, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will butt harder, our scientists will develop softer walnuts ...

And one fine morning ——

USA .. USA ... USA ...

(Apologies to F. Scott Fitzgerald across vales of ether.)