Crappy plastic water bottles are damaging polar bears’ dicks.

Crappy plastic water bottles are damaging polar bears’ dicks.

So I hope you'll all contribute to my Save the Dick foundation. Nearly ten percent of your contributions will go toward saving Polar Bear dicks. The rest will cover our foundation's expenses, which consist mainly of hard brown liquor and harder brown hookers.

And a few office supplies, like staplers, pencils and custom-shaped Tiffany decanters.