Other Crap

Punxsutawney Phil Gitmo-bound

• As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more weeks of winter. Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.
• "Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow every year since 1999," said Stanley Nichols of the FBI's Lower Mammalian Task Force. "Then we started looking into these other groundhogs, and the same pattern emerged. We got an illegal wiretap, and sure enough, they were plotting to extend winter to influence our oil prices.