The Nose On Your Face » Blog Archive » One Dog Speaks Out On Michael Vick Indictment

One Dog Speaks Out On Michael Vick Indictment

"First, I am a dog. I socialize exclusively with dogs (and occasionally Gary Busey). As far as we can tell, neither I nor any of my canine companions have ever asked PETA to speak up for us on anything. Ever. I mean. have you seen these fucking people? Look, I may lick my own balls from time to time, and on the odd occasion I have been known to eat my friends' feces, but I need PETA's endorsement like Ted Kennedy's liver needs some further discoloration. Thanks guys, but we've got this one covered.

Second, media coverage. I can only take so many Michael Vick questions. Unless Anna Nicole Smith is resurrected, matriculates into college, goes on spring break to the Caribbean, and ends up getting eaten by drug-dealing reef sharks, we'll never hear the end of this. However, the daywalker Van Sustern has been strangely subdued on the whole matter. Let's hope it stays that way.

And finally, no one has actually talked to me or my friends about whether or not we actually want to fight to the death. Many of us do. It's not like we have a ton of options. Guide dog for the blind? It sounds like fun, but after the novelty of leading your owner into gay porno bookstores or bringing him home to the wrong house wears off, it gets to be a bit dull. House dog? I don't think so. We left the plantation behind us a long time ago. Firehouse dog? Let's see, the firemen get turbo-charged hoses, hi-tech communications equipment, and wear state-of-the-art, flame-resistant clothing. We get to sport fur coats, bare paws, and exposed genitalia. Seems fair. Thanks guys, but I'll take my chances duking it out in the ring with a hungry pit bull.