Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"Do you like Sarah Palin? I like her because she looks like the lady at the bakery who yells out '44! 45!' She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench. That's who she looks like. She looks like the lady who has a chain of cupcake stores, and she looks like the mayor of a small town that's banned dancing." --David Letterman

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

"Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno

"Big international news. I don't know if you heard about this, sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong-Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Kim Jong-Nam, Kim Jong-Chul or Kim Jong-Woo. Yeah. Of course, there's still an out-of-the-box chance he'll pick Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy George, remember him? Boy George says he's written a song supporting Barack Obama. Yeah, this will help Barack lock up the critical 1980s gay British popstar vote. Once you have them, the rest will follow." --Conan O'Brien

"Today in Washington, DC, Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader met with Libertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul. They didn't plan the meeting. They just bumped into each other in a soup line." --Conan O'Brien

"I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the lady in the dental office who gives you the keys to the rest room. 'There you are. Just bring them right back.' She looks like my selection of the week on E-Harmony.com. Sarah Palin is a good-looking woman. She looks like the woman in the department store who tries to spray you with perfume. 'Just a little.'" --David Letterman

"People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy." --Conan O'Brien

"Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today when the Sarah Palin dolls shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno

"As you all know, President Bush was not at the Republican convention due to a disaster: his presidency." --Jay Leno

"And out on the campaign trail this week, once again, John McCain spoke about the nightmare of being stuck in a tiny 8 x 10 room, thinking he might go crazy. Not in Vietnam; when he got stuck in the Capitol elevator with Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"I guess they're getting a little worried at the Barack Obama campaign. It's so close now. I guess Barack plans to have lunch with Bill Clinton in New York later this week. And that's got to be a little uncomfortable, don't you think? I mean, you have someone who had a strained relationship with Hillary, having lunch with the Democratic presidential nominee." --Jay Leno

"Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --Jay Leno