Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien

"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno

"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman

"Tonight's presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator's questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly. No, it's a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a sermon on the mount." --Jay Leno

"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno

"In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in. Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Presidential Debate

• 10. It's a town hall debate, but the town is in a mountainous region of Pakistan.
  
• 9. Tom Brokaw leaves early to catch 9:15 showing of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
  
• 8. Topics fall into the categories "Domestic policy," "Foreign policy," and "Burt Reynolds films of the '70s."
  
• 7. Keep arguing about who has more friends on Facebook.
  
• 6. Candidate says, "Why you hatin'?" Other responds, "Why you buggin'?"
  
• 5. It's covered by CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Howard 100 News team.
  
• 4. Candidates ignore questions and gossip about which Senate pages are sluts.
  
• 3. The yodeling competition.
  
• 2. Disproportionate amount of questions about "The Hills."
  
• 1. It's 90 minutes of folksy phrases and winking
  

"And now she's going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that's the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks." --David Letterman

"Big announcement today. John McCain's campaign, I don't know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won't try to compete for votes there. That's the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain's strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He's going to campaign by horseback" --Conan O'Brien