I’m not idle, I have sluggish cognitive tempo disorder - Times Online

Dude, I'm not a lazy stoner, I have sluggish cognitive tempo disorder

Memorize that, and these:

It's not that I lack the self-control to keep my dick in my pants, I just have hypersexuality disorder.

I'm not a hothead, I have intermittent explosive disorder.

I'm not a whiny bitch, I have negativistic personality disorder.

In fact, it turns out that there are absolutely no negative behaviors which are your own fault, and each of us has dozens of mental disorders. This turns out to be very lucrative for defense attorneys.

Not to mention psychiatrists.