Trump White House Saw Record Number of First-Year Staff Departures

Trump White House Saw Record Number of First-Year Staff Departures

Another record!

And this time he crushed the record. He was like Babe Ruth hitting 54 homers in 1920 when nobody had ever even reached 30 before. His administration’s 34% first-year turnover rate is twice as high as the next highest in recent history.

Scoop the press secretary: "The previous Presidents were playing in the deadball era, but President Trump is the Babe Ruth of presidents. He is changing the game forever. He's truly draining that swamp, as promised. The number is appropriately high because this President is not afraid of action, unlike his weak predecessors, who were beholden to the Deep State. The people who were deadwood are being cleared away, replaced by the best people."

Press Secretary Scoop does not mention: He did fire tons of bad people, but those were the people he himself had hired. If any snot-nosed reporter brings that up, I just quietly end the session because I have a meeting to attend, ignoring the plaintive, ineffectual cries of the reporters as I walk away calmly. The next day I unobtrusively cancel the questioner's press credentials without making a public scene of it. And if they ask? "Oh, sorry, Washington Post, it seems that the mediocrity previously occupying your seat has been replaced by a truly great American reporter." (It will be a pre-screened Make-a-Wish kid from a highly conservative and rich family. Let's see the fuckin' WaPo take a courageous stand against a cancer kid.)

Damn! I love being a Press Secretary. I was born for this job.

Call me, Mr. President. I am ready to serve my country. (Translation: "I am ready to serve YOU.")