Other Crap

Crazy stuff ... 3D paintjobs

• I once got one of those in Denmark. Couldn't piss right for two days.
• The real story is this. My friend and I were hanging out in a beer hall in Denmark when a couple of Danish chicks started hitting on us. (They really do that sort of thing.) So I dance with the one girl and she tells me how handsome I am and how she'd like to paint me. I am envisioning my rosy future as the world's most famous face, my painting hanging in galleries next to the Mona Lisa and Warhol's Marilyn. Time passes, and I get a chance to dance with the other girl. I ask her, "Is your friend really a painter?" She replies, "Yes, she has painted many of the nicest barns in rural Denmark." Talk about an ego deflation! One minute I think she wants to capture my face for the ages, the next minute I realize she'll probably spray me with a Wagner Power Painter.
• The end of the story gets stranger. This woman just has to have me come home with her, and I'm getting creeped out by her insistent tone, and I'm thinking she's your basic psycho. My friend Svein figues out a solution. He decides to get rid of her by telling her that I am actually an expensive gigolo, and she can't have sex with me unless she pays 1000 Kroner (about $150 in those days). We are completely shocked when she agrees. She is short a few Kroner, at which point she heads over to borrow money from her friend. While they talk and go through their purses, Svein and I sneak out.
• Sorry, I wish the story had a better ending involving rubber chickens and KY Jelly and corpses and buttermilk with expired code dates, but it just doesn't. All of that really happened as I wrote it.