Other Crap

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"Mitt Romney looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping. He looks like a weekend weather man, doesn't he? He looks like the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn" --David Letterman

"Another big Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' the story of a ruthless oil tycoon. Or, as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the greatest feel-good movie of all time.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet? The only thing standing between Fred and the White House -- the American people." --Jay Leno

"For Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

"Obama ended, 'A white guy runs for president like this: my objective is to get to the oval office. While the brother is like, hail to the motherfuckin' chief.'" --Jon Stewart

"Congratulations to John McCain. He won the South Carolina Republican primary. You know, McCain is described as a GOP maverick. He's a Republican maverick. Do you know what that means? He's a straight male." --Jay Leno

"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno

"Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on the 10-year anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky affair going public: "This was the scandal to end all scandals. It had everything -- power, sex, lies, cover-ups, a federal investigation. ... The world changed on January 17, 1998, and we've been living in a post-1/17 world ever since. It's one of those moments in history where you never forget where you were. Suddenly, we were living in a world where anything that anyone said could immediately be construed as a double entendre for fellatio. And remember this, this was at a time when political comedy shows meant something [on screen: a clip from 1998 of Stewart saying, 'The car's emergency system malfunctioned during the accident, but Lewinsky, nevertheless, reportedly kept busy in the moments after the crash by inflating the air bag herself']. Jon, your younger brother was talented! ... I think it's fairly clear that the main thing we've learned is, time is a cruel mistress."

Stephen Colbert [on the phone]: "Yes, yes, uh-huh. I'm sorry. Yes, just one last question. Do you strongly agree, strongly disagree, or have no opinion about the following statement? I would continue to support Senator McCain for president if I learned he had fathered an illegitimate Asian baby. ... Okay, good, okay. An illegitimate pirate baby? Well, that's very open minded of you, Ma'm. Okay. How about a legitimate Nazi baby? Like Eva Braun, or somebody like that. That would be bad, wouldn't it? That would be bad. I gotta go. Vote your conscience, bye-bye [on screen: hangs up the phone]. Sorry about that, folks. ... I was just doing some push polling for my friend Mike Huckabee. ...