Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily

Late Night Political Jokes Updated

"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do or die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And on the Republican side? [on screen: McCain saying, 'We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents." --Jon Stewart

"But there is some good news. The Democrats are destroying themselves. Nation, Hillary Clinton is back! Senator Clinton pulled out major victories in Ohio and Texas, leaving Barack Obama so demoralized he began sputtering incoherently [on screen: Obama speaking in Spanish]. Analysts say the turning point came when Senator Clinton planted serious doubts in the minds of voters about whether Barack Obama could answer a phone." --Stephen Colbert

"It's a horse race again, a vicious, brutal horse race with razor sharp claws instead of hooves. Between now and the convention, those two are going to duke it out primary by primary and horde every delegate they can find. Guam, prepare to be relevant. It will all come down to a brokered convention with the superdelegates, unable to decide between Clinton and Obama, will ultimately pick the darkhorse candidate, that CNN touch screen computer. Once it becomes self-aware, human candidates won't be able to able to compete with its encyclopedic knowledge of America's counties, especially once it picks a Diebold machine as its running mate." --Stephen Colbert