Other Crap

"All day long, trucks such as this one pull up to the Capitol to dump loads of taxpayer dollars so Congress can give them to large needy financial institutions."

Remember, I am now a bank, so here's how things work. You all deposit your money at ScoopyBank. The bank chooses one of you at random and loans you a ridulous amount of money, an amount that you can never repay, so you can buy a mansion in Italy next to Clooney's place. Since the bank lent you that money at a high rate of interest, the loan has created plenty of paper profit. As a reward for such incredible financial acumen, the bank's remaining cash assets are used to pay our CEO a lavish bonus. Coincidentally, the president of our bank is me. What are the odds?

When you default on your loan, my bank repossesses the mansion and sells to another one of you for about a third of its value. The rest of you then insist on withdrawing your money. Since the bank can no longer pay back all of you other guys on your deposits, it turns to the Fed for a bail-out. No problem, they have to do it, and you all get your money back, because the FDIC insures your accounts. In fact, one of you even got to live next to Clooney for a while, until that first balloon payment came due. Meanwhile, I have retired and have chosen one of you as my successor, with a salary in the A-Rod range. I am now headed to the Seychelles, comfortable for life on my bonus money, drinking 'Ritas with DiCaprio and watching the sun set on the Indian Ocean before our first blowjob of the evening.

That's not even the best part. Two more guys get as good a deal as me.

• The guy who got the mansion at our closed auction now resells it at fair market value, makes a mammoth profit, and heads to the sunshine, where Leo and I will be saving him a good seat at the bar and plenty of tips on all the best hookers!
• And the guy who got chosen as my hand-picked successor? Well, his ass will get canned, but he hasn't done anything illegal, and he will have some thirty million in his severance package, so he will be the fourth for our daily bridge game on the beach.

That's the game where we get our morning sunshine and blowjobs while we play. For the two lucky guys, blowjobs are an important part of your future. Plus, sometimes Leo gets tired of fucking coked-out supermodels in the ass, so we get his leftovers.

So here's the net: two of you guys and me make out like bandits. Another guy gets to live in a Palace in Italy for a while as a free vacation. The rest of you get your money back. The only loser: the taxpayers, who end up paying for the cost of making good on your insured bank accounts, since the bank is out of money after sending three guys off to retirement heaven in LeoLand. Pretty sweet deal, eh?