What The Fuck Happened to TV? | Cracked.com

What The Fuck Happened to TV? | Cracked.com

I can answer that. Reality. No, not reality shows (well, that too), but economic reality.

The old Hollywood system was based on making stars, who would then be the drawing cards for movies and TV shows. But that drawing power continued to wane as the years passed. People used to go see any movie starring Cary Grant because Cary was in it. These days there is nobody with that kind of appeal. That was problem one.

Problem two is that stars are, as a general rule, clueless, spoiled, pains in the ass - and boy, are they expensive. The cast of Friends used to get paid with shopping sprees at Fort Knox. The money men were willing to live with that as long as the stars were capable of carrying a show, but obviously don't want to pay out vast sums to brain-dead pains in the ass unless there is a return on the investment.

Problem three is that writers, while neither stupid nor expensive, are even bigger pains in the ass than actors. And to do a great scripted show, like Seinfeld or Hill Street Blues, you need a very large group of pain-in-the-ass writers.

The solution is obvious: get rid of the actors and writers. It's obvious in theory, that is, but for years people struggled with how exactly to accomplish it. More sports? Nah. Athletes are just as expensive and just as big a pain in the ass as actors, and the major sports place their packages into highly competitive bidding wars. More talk and game shows? Nah, their ratings tend to be star-driven. Solving the problem just seemed to be an impossible dream, like perpetual motion.

And then a miracle happened, something that Dr. Suess would have called a wonderful, awful idea. The reality show was born in a manger, and our lives would never be the same. The producers pay some fame whores nothing or very little, then throw them out with the Tuesday morning trash pick-up and start again with another group. There is never any shortage of people willing to appear for little or no compensation on American Idol, Survivor, and other such dreck. Bingo! No more stars, and very few writers. (Some reality formats need a couple of creative guys to come up with ideas from week to week, while others really need no writers at all.)

If the producers of reality shows are really smart, like Simon Cowell, they can even find a way to make the participants pay them. (With a percentage of future record deals, for example.) That might even go farther. What if a show like American Idol charged everyone to audition? Everyone wants to be a star, and there are enough fame whores in the world that such a concept might create a vast new revenue stream. Look at it from the producers' angle. Imagine running a business where your labor line is an income line rather than an expense. Gets you licking your lips a bit, eh? And it sure beats the heck out of paying a gazillion dollars a week to David Schwimmer.

So, yeah, there are some scripted shows left on broadcast TV, and I suppose there will always be a few, but as few as the networks can get away with. You want to pitch a brilliant show? Better take it to HBO or Showtime.