Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

"Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex"

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."

"Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier."