Crazed fan once held William Shatner’s underwear hostage

Crazed fan once held William Shatner’s underwear hostage

December 25, Day of the Peruvian Christmas Fistfighting Festival

December 25, Day of the Peruvian Christmas Fistfighting Festival

With betting! And when a longshot wins, it's a Christmas miracle that you can take to the bank, which is much more useful than those sappy ones that were in your heart all along.

I thought that no holiday celebration could ever fill my heart like Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day or William Shatner's Birthday, but I'm starting to think I can make some room for the Peruvian XMas Fistfights. The boxers of Peru wish all men Peace on Earth and Goodwill - except for their opponents, of course, whom they just hope to beat to a bloody pulp.

By the way, this festival again shows the genius of Seinfeld and Larry David. Part of the purpose of the festival is (I swear this is true) "friends, rivals, and relatives square off to settle year-long disputes in an annual airing of grievances." So it's an airing of grievances and a test of strength. Yes, that's right, the Peruvians actually invented Festivus long ago!

How obsessive Trekkies celebrate William Shatner's birthday

How obsessive Trekkies celebrate William Shatner's birthday

In Just Three More Weeks: The Giant Pink Japanese Penis Festival

Only three weeks from today: The Giant Pink Japanese Penis Festival

Mark your calendars!

Every culture, of course, has its own calendar. The West, the Chinese and the Jewish people all celebrate a new year at different times, as do devout Scoopians. For me, tomorrow is New Year's Eve of the year 23, because the Scoopy New Year begins on what you more traditional people call March 14th, otherwise known as Steak and BJ Day.

The rest of our annual calendar, expressed in terms of your 2017 calendar so you can relate better:

March 22: William Shatner's birthday

April 2: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Sept 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

Sept 27: Wilford Brimley's birthday

Dec 23: Festivus

There's really a big gap between April and September. Maybe I need to add an official Estonian History Month.

Star Trek’s William Shatner drops f-bomb after Mayor arrives late

Star Trek’s William Shatner drops f-bomb after Mayor arrives late

Blessings on William Shatner. I don't think any public figure has ever given me more pleasure. (OK, maybe Mickey Mantle. Maybe.) I haven't always been laughing with him, but I was always laughing.

Nicolas Cage And The Case Of The Stolen Dinosaur Skull

Nicolas Cage And The Case Of The Stolen Dinosaur Skull

"Actually, Nick seems to have not known about the theft of the skull from Mongolia and he turned it over to the cops as soon as he found out. This means that he's in the market for some new dinosaur bones. One might wonder why he would want a T-Rex skull in his house. The answer is simple: he wanted to clone the T-Rex and ride around LA on it. He wouldn't have to worry about traffic and he would look amazing."

The article makes an interesting point. Is Nic Cage now the greatest bad actor of all time? For years we've been assuming it has to be John Barrymore, William Shatner or Tim Curry ("Shatner Upon Avon"), but have the three legendary hambones finally met their master?

Japan: Annual PENIS festival goes without cock-up

Japan holds 24-hour festival to celebrate the penis

Just a reminder: this year April 5th is the annual Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day, when all employees working in the Other Crap Skyscraper get the day off.

I hope you and yours have a blessed and inspiring GPJPD, and that your family enjoys the traditional bird with all the trimmings (not a turkey, but a rooster). We always put one in the oven at our house, but there's never enough meat to go around because my brother-in-law always eats too much cock.

And he gobbles down both white meat and dark meat.

Also take note: this coming Sunday is William Shatner's birthday, another sacred event at Stately Crap Manor. He will be a very young 84.

Kellen Lutz will play William Shatner

Logical, Mr. Spock? Kellen Lutz ... will ... play ... William ... Shatner

Only two more weeks until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Only two more weeks until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

This year's festival is exactly two weeks from today.

This is the biggest holiday in the Scoopy calendar, not just because it marks the onset of Spring, but because it is our last holiday until September, so we have to store up plenty of lager in our bodies to sustain us for the 5 1/2 dry months. This year's calendar:

March 14: Steak and BJ Day

March 22: William Shatner's birthday. The Greatest One turned 83 yesterday.

April 6: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Sept 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

Sept 27: Wilford Brimley's birthday. He'll be 80 this year. Yup, that's right, he's younger than Shatner.

Dec 23: Festivus

William Shatner Ponders Life's Mysteries in New Music Video

William Shatner Ponders Life's Mysteries in New Music Video

Yesterday was Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day!

Yesterday was Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day!

Sorry for the lack of advance warning. I hope you and yours had a blessed and inspiring GPJPD. I hope that your family enjoyed the traditional bird with all the trimmings (not a turkey, but a rooster). We always put one in the oven at our house, but there's never enough meat to go around because my brother-in-law always eats too much cock.

And he gobbles down both white meat and dark meat.

I regret that I have been lax this year about keeping you informed of the critical spring holidays. You just missed three of the six official holidays when all employees working in the Other Crap Skyscraper get the day off:

March 14th: Steak and BJ Day

March 22nd: William Shatner's Birthday

April 7th (this year): Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

We are now hitting the summer doldrums, during which there are no Other Crappy holidays. The next one is Talk Like a Pirate Day in September.

First Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer Sends The Enterprise Underwater

First Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer Sends The Enterprise Underwater

Submitter's comments:

Apologies for the providing site but here is the first trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness. It features Sherlock using a gravelly voice as The Enemy.

J. J. Abrams has been very cagey about who The Enemy is. The Enemy is known to be from the original series and the general opinion is that it is, KHAANNNN!!!

There is a minority opinion that it might be Gary Mitchell, who was the antagonist in the Pilot episode: Where No Man has Gone Before. I thought that it was just fanboy nonsense until I saw the trailer. There was a secondary character in in Where No Man has Gone Before; One Dr. Denher, played by Sally Kellerman. A little background for the less athletically nerdy. Gary Mitchell was Kirk's besty before Spock took over that lousy job. However, Mitchell was turned into a hostile god being by crossing the galactic border (real God, only knows why). And Mitchell became the first of Kirk's enemies. Doctor Denher also became a god but not as fast as Mitchell, because she was a girl and it was 1967. Anyway she helped Kirk defeat Mitchell at the cost of her life.

Here is Sally Kellerman as Dr. Denher

Here is Alice Eve playing Unnamed Character in Star Trek Into Darkness.

Maybe I'm wrong here but Alice Eve's Unnamed Character kind of looks like...

Two readers' responses:

1

Hey, Scoop. The bad guy is definitely not Gary Mitchell. That character and storyline was used in the first story arc of the new Star Trek comic series published by IDW. Those stories are considered in-continuity and canonical by Paramount.

2

Karl Urban, the guy who plays the new Bones, leaked that the bad guy was Gary Mitchell when he was promoting Dredd this summer, but there's some dispute about whether this was a slip of the tongue or planned "viral campaign" feint.

Another reader's comments:

Ok, Scoop, call me old fashioned, a stick in the mud or whatever, but I am a trekkie (NOT TREKKER) from way back. I saw the new Star Trek movie and it literally decimated the Star Trek Universe as it exists. I mean, after all, Spock’s mother was in ST4, as an elder lady and yet, supposedly in the new ST movie, Vulcan was utterly destroyed, along with I assume, Amanda Grayson (Spock’s mom).

That event begs the question of how did Kirk and crew come to land on Vulcan after rescuing Spock from the Genesis planet? Also, if Spock’s home was destroyed, where did the elder Spock come from that Spock the younger encountered in the ice cave?

These are two of the most obvious problems. I do not mind the redesign of the Starship Enterprise from what it was in TOS to the extremely futuristic design we saw in the new movie, but I do object to Jim Kirk’s father supposedly being the captain of said ship. James T. Kirk’s father was an insurance salesman in Iowa. He was not in Star Fleet.

One other thing that was hinted at in the movie. James Kirk was not born on a starship! He was born in Iowa, a fact that was made abundantly clear in TOS and the movies (Kirk to Jillian, over pizza after she says, “Don’t tell me, you’re from outerspace.” Kirk: “No, I’m from Iowa. I just work in outerspace.”)

I realize the franchise belongs to CBS/Paramount and they can do anything they want with it, but the 2nd new movie now appears to be going to involve an enemy we saw first in TOS.

Can somebody (maybe one of your readers) explain these obvious discrepancies to an old man? The best I have been able to come up with is the new Star Trek is an alternate universe thing.

Scoop's note:

I really didn't follow all of that, but maybe some of our readers know something ...?

My opinion is that the vast majority of the audience for a blockbuster Star Trek picture falls into one of two categories: either (1) they saw the original series years ago, but have forgotten all the details, so are not aware of or bothered by conflicts in the back-story; or (2) they are too young to know or care anything about the original series, so they accept the film's version as the canonical one. I fall into category 1. I've seen every episode of TOS, but haven't seen any in the past 30 years, so I probably wouldn't even notice any contradictions with the established Star Trek universe..

On the other hand, some of the film's viewers are hip to the canon, and there is some of their savvy input below.

Here's how our readers responded:

1

Essentially, you're right, the new Star Trek exists in an alternate timeline. I assume it was done to give JJ Abrams and crew the freedom to explore new territory (excuse any puns) without violating the original canon, though that's strictly conjecture on my part.

2

Yes, it's an alternate timeline, a fact outright stated in the movie (apparently the reader left to use the restroom during that scene?).

As to Jim Kirk's father, several novels have established George as serving in Starfleet. I know, I know, novels are not canonical. But no episodes mentioned him being an insurance salesman either, so JJ Abrams wasn't out of line for putting George in Starfleet.

3

What the other guys said. The tendency for multiple co-existing realities to occupy nearby dimensions is canon in the series. Technically, it would even be possible for the two Kirks to meet (as he met several of his alts in the series), although that event might be constrained by practical reality (William Shatner is kinda old now). On the other hand, with computer effects, who knows?

Only four more days until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Only four more days until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

This is the biggest holiday in the Scoopy calendar, not just because it marks the onset of Spring, but because it is our last holiday until September, so we have to store up plenty of lager in our bodies to sustain us for the 5 1/2 dry months. This year's calendar:

March 14: Steak and BJ Day

March 22: William Shatner's birthday

April 1: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Sept 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

Sept 27: Wilford Brimley's birthday

Dec 23: Festivus

Today is INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE WILLIAM SHATNER DAY!!

Today is INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE WILLIAM SHATNER DAY!!

William Shatner's 'Priceline Negotiator' to die in a blaze of glory

Priceline Negotiator will be killed in a fiery bus crash

... in a commercial set to air Monday. (Video at the linked site)

William Shatner in one-man Broadway show - Telegraph

William Shatner will star in a one-man Broadway show

He's been on Broadway before, but his last appearance was in 1961.

1961? 50 years ago?

It's easy to forget how old he is.

William Shatner Singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Is Even More Insane Than You'd Think

William Shatner Singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Is Even More Insane Than You'd Think

"Holy Shatner! He's done it again.

Once again Bill Shatner proves that he is the single most awe-inspiring person in the entire history of the human race. Oh, argue if you will for Alexander the Great or Sir Isaac Newton or Jesus of Nazareth or Michelangelo, but all of their accomplishments seem pale beside the unearthly light of the Shat.

Charlie Sheen Gets Roasted, Brooke Mueller by His Side - E! Online

Charlie Sheen Gets Roasted, Brooke Mueller by His Side

The nastiest jokes:

Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them ‘the Hilton sisters.’

to roaster Mike Tyson: "Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives."

Two and a Half Men will air a mock funeral for Sheen’s character during its premiere on the same night the Comedy Central roast airs, but you can just wait a couple months and see the real thing.

You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.

MacFarlane introduces Shatner as “the guy who played Captain Kirk on Star Trek before it looked like gay guys working in a Mac store.”

Sheen's response:

I asked William Shatner to be here because I needed some clean urine; I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did its job.

"I'm done with the winning cause I've already won. This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen. In here burns an internal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe."

If you want all the gory details, it was live-blogged by EW

William Shatner’s 80th Birthday is next Tuesday, which is also the third annual "Talk Like William Shatner Day".

William Shatner’s 80th Birthday is next Tuesday, which is also the third annual "Talk Like William Shatner Day".

Whether you like Bill Shatner or not (I love the guy!), you must have noticed that he might be the most youthful 80 year old in human history.

Watch William Shatner's Spoken Word-style Cover of Cee-Lo's "Fuck You"

Watch William Shatner's Spoken Word-style Cover of Cee-Lo's "F*ck You"